This post is not about my last race. But possibly about a future one. I'm here to shout to the rooftops to be a DO-er! Sign up for that 10k, dip your toes in triathlon, live life. JUST DO IT, as Nike once trademarked. Because time is short and life plans can change on a dime.
My mother has Alzheimer's disease. She's spent the last two years under the care of assisted living nurses and aides in memory care homes. Last week we moved her to the fourth home in two years. Her fourth home. And I have some thoughts if you're considering that move for your loved one.
My mother was a charismatic, extremely bright, outgoing, outspoken mother of six. She was a junior high teacher (possibly the hardest years for children) and a friend to all. She loved Scrabble, walking, quilting, reading, talking and crossword puzzles. At 64 she became a widow and lived alone up until her inability to care for herself independently. Her children made the difficult decision to move her to assisted living, where she would be cared for by professionals in an environment that would cater to her needs with this disease.
The road that led to our choice to have her leave her home, friends and everything she loved dearly did not come easy for us kids. There was (and still is) dissension. And guilt. Lots and lots of guilt from all directions from friends, relatives, and within the siblings. In her Will she asked to not be placed in a convalescent home if it was at all possible. But she also did not ask for Alzheimer's.
Our initial approach to finding a home for my mother was to locate a facility that would be close to us -- easy to get to and convenient to visit. My mother and father-in-law had moved together into an assisted living home where they both eventually died. The place felt like home to us. We knew the staff. They loved my in laws and cared for them with big, kind, loving hearts.
Naturally, when my mother was ready to move, we chose that same home for her. But it wasn't a lock down facility and wasn't equipped for memory loss patients. My mom liked to wander and walk. And when she accidentally walked out the front door and across a busy street one day, we were forced to find a new home.
So we chose the nicest looking, newest, pretty "luxury active senior living" facility that we could find. It was expensive. But she was going to be at the BEST place money could buy. Friends, I'm here to tell you paying the most for something does not always mean the best. This particular home been open less than two years, and while the nursing staff seemed capable, the administration was rigid and uncomfortable. When they had to redirect when she walked toward a door and tried to open it, it felt like they were marking a big red F on a report card. "Your mother tried to open the exit door 8-20 times in one day," they would report to us. Fail.
My mom also started swiping at staff and other residents. Medication was their first and only answer. They never tried to get to the triggers of why she was acting "aggressively" to others. The only laughable part of this whole story is that a swat from a 79-year-old great grandmother is pretty tame -- you don't need cat-like reflexes to avoid it.
So they kicked us out of their resort style home. We had to leave as quickly as possible and had to have family members stay with her during all waking hours until we could find another home because she was an absolute liability.
Once again we were on the hunt for the perfect place. But as we'd visit homes and they welcomed us with open arms and expensive price tags, they would all required a review and evaluation from the previous home. Now that my mother had been deemed "aggressive and combative," each of those new homes required a two-week stint in a geriatric psych ward before admittance.
Let that sink in for a minute.
Would you ever want your parent to spend time in a facility for people dealing with suicide, drug abuse, mental health issues etc. with a person with Alzheimer's? To gain what kind of knowledge? That she can't remember things? Hard pass.
After lots of meditating and praying, I felt prompted to call my friend, Tracey. She works in the assisted living industry and is opposed to any kind of geriatric psych wards for Alzheimer's patients. She steered us to a home that had been open for over seven years that was dedicated to memory care first - with active adult living apartments built later on. The memory care building has a circular floor plan, so residents can walk the halls all day long without walking straight to an exit door. And exit doors also are painted to look like bookshelves -- eliminating the need and desire to push on them. Each resident who moves into this home gets three days of one-on-one assistance for four hours a day to help acclimate the patient to his or her new surrounds and staff. (The pricey place we had come from didn't even say hello after we moved in).
The new home also offers "Enhanced Protocol", which involves switching up diet and supplements to help regulate the anxiety and moods of the patients so they would relax and hopefully FEEL BETTER when they can't really tell you what hurts or what is making them agitated. This home was working on solutions that weren't medication. They were offering different diets and exercise to ACTUALLY HELP my mother.
I've found the DO-er of this industry. A place that wants to find solutions and not just mask symptoms of this horrible disease. My mom is happy here and seems more relaxed and less agitated. It's been a journey. But hopefully, this is the place where her journey will someday come to an end.
So here are my take-aways from this process:
1. Look for homes that started as MEMORY CARE homes first, and not just Assisted Living with a small memory care wing on site as an after-thought or housing requirement.
2. Don't always go to the places that look the fanciest and charge the most.
3. Make sure you look for the place that is best for your parents, not just easiest for you to get to.
4. Fight the requirement to have your parents to go a geriatric psych ward.
5. Get to know the staff and caregivers at your facility. Watch them interact with your parents. Look at their faces and demeanors. Stay awhile - maybe hours at first to see how things are run (or are not run).
6. Ask if the home will take your parent until end of life. A move at a difficult stage of advanced Alzheimer's is not a good choice.
7. If in doubt, call me and I'll give you Tracey's number. She was a lifesaver for us.
