My brother, Gary, is the funniest guy I know. He sends out weekly recaps of The Bachelor with Juan Pablo every Tuesday after the show has aired. I know this is WAY outside the realm of this blog. But his take on the show is so funny, I've had requests to share it. Here you go!
Week Two: Ok let’s get to what was an awkward and confusing week…a good theme. Cassandra the NBA Dancer got the first date, and we can all agree she was overall pretty boring. Best part of their date was that car/boat thing. Lots of uncomfortable giggling and then she broke out the Rodney Stuckey love child photos. Can’t say I was overly impressed although NBA dancers usually do well.
Usually if you get a make-out on a group date that’s a pretty good sign. Andi the District Attorney is likely at the top of the leader board at this point. Strong contender. You can’t really say the same thing about Sharleen the Opera Singer she looks like she’s headed for a meltdown. Although it looks like she shows off her Opera singing chops next week. That can’t be all that good cause at some point she’s gonna say “Wait, I’m an Opera Singer” and have a meltdown. Nikki the Nurse getting the rose despite no make out was interesting and keeps her in the conversation. Contender. I’m not sure there was anyone else that is noteworthy. The dog lover, the piano lady, and the one who is always very motherly will all be gone in 2-3 weeks.
Chelsie the School teacher got the standard Bachelor date where they bunjee jump off a bridge. There’s usually a date where they rappel down a skyscraper, bunjee jump, or do something along those lines and they usually make the girl who is most scared of heights and bound to freak out do it. Juan Pablo looked fairly confused by her dance moves on the car ride to the date. Not a contender. Awkward breakfast it didn’t look like anyone liked that food. Awkward pool party. Everyone mad at Kat the Scottsdale girl throwing her boobs and crotch around but she might be a dark horse contender. Clare and Cassandra still in the mix. Elise hasn’t left the house. Awkward and confusing.
Not a banner Bachelor season so far. The quirky “I can’t pronounce this word right” schtick is already getting a little old. The girls are naturally a little bit nutty but we’ve had no paramedics on scene yet, no late night skinny dipping shenanigans, no huge girl on girl catfights of note.
Look, these girls have probably been starving themselves for 3 months before they come on the show. So even a little booze is probably not a good thing after a “full” meal of crackers and celery.
Cassandra breaking the news she has a son probably isn’t what is stressing her out…its likely explaining who the baby daddy is…NBA player Rodney Stuckey.
We know this about Lucy the free-spirit Nudie…she’s best friends with Kate Moss. Which probably means she’s got connections and has probably been planted on the show to add a little drama, thrust herself into certain talking points, and just act nutty in general. Former suspected plants on the show include Michelle Money, Bentley, and Tiara.
My early favorites for a hometown date include Nikki (the nurse), Andi (the attorney), Cassandra (the NBA baby momma), maybe Sharlene (opera singer)…Kat (from Scottsdale) seems ok but it looks like Juan didn’t smooch her. Perhaps the Utah posse who was on their date has insider knowledge? Actually, according to my calculations Juan has only made out with one chick so far (he is off the record setting pace I thought he would be on and clearly passed on a chance with Renee which is not a good sign for her).